Building Trust After Betrayal
How do I trust myself since it feels like my instincts were so wrong? In the aftermath of a betrayal, looking inward and identifying what we need in order to regain trust, starts with learning to trust ourselves. This is where wisdom is gained. Trusting ourselves after a betrayal is a skill we have to practice until we get strong enough to make empowered decisions based on the connection to our trained instinct, rather than impulsive reactions rooted in anxiety. Trusting ourselves can look like knowing what we need and operationalizing that by seeking honesty and accountability from our partner. Learning what healthy boundaries are and honing that 6th sense or gut instinct is key. This can be helpful even if we are not ready to trust our partner again. Only we have the power and control to decide our limits and who and what can exercise power over us.
For the betrayer, this is what rebuilding trust needs to look like, and what we will be looking for from you:
Empathy – put yourself in your partner’s shoes and try to imagine what the pain of betrayal feels like and how their world has been shattered to the core.
Time – allowing your partner time. Feelings and memories do soften with the passage of time.
Reciprocity – there must be a give and take within the relationship moving forward. Your partner’s emotional bank account is starting at a deficit.
Action – saying I’m sorry is not enough, true remorse requires a change in behaviour. Seek professional help if you’re not sure what this should look like.
Accountability – full disclosure of the betrayal and taking ownership immediately when there is a lapse. In addition to doing what you say you are going to do, being on time, making that call if you’re running late, etc.
Rigorous Honesty – When asked come clean immediately, the lies are always worse than the action after trust has been broken.
Complete Transparency – no omissions if not asked directly, offering up information, sharing passwords for devices, etc.
Recovering from betrayal can be a daunting process. The trauma of betrayal is real and can cause some people to become stuck. There is help and hope. Please reach out to a trained professional to help you define your needs, learn to create healthy boundaries, and flex that innate gut instinct.